Sage Advice Ala Wufei
by AnitaRealityCheck
Summary: Wufei writes a letter to the people of the Sanc Kingdom, advising them on what they should do to enjoy that movie!


_**I wrote this long ago but I never posted it. I did not edit this but deemed it fit to be on here. I think I may have posted it else where, but definitely not here. If I did, it was a very very very long time ago! Vampy doesn't even know about this one... ah well!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Wish I did though.**_

_**Sage Advice Ala Wufei**_

_**By: AnitaRealityCheck**_

**~*~*~*~SANC KINGDOM TIMES~*~*~*~**

**Letters to the People and/or Editors**

_Dear Movie Goer,_

_This is my ultimate guide for going to the movies. As you may have noticed I did not bother to number the suggestions, numbers are for weaklings._

_But alas, that rant is for another project._

_I have gathered this information for your use, please feel free to use at any theater you deem fit:_

_Go with someone, the more the merrier._

_Always take with you all your beepers and cell phones. Everyone will see how considerate you are, in worrying about possible emergencies. Only a complete moron would complain. It's okay if you get about ten calls for simple info/questions, you never know if call number eleven will be Lady Une for some dire mission._

_Place the settings of the beeper and phone, into LOUD… the noise in the theater may not allow you to hear them, and the vibrating thing sometimes gets ignored in the rush of the movie. Answer any phone calls loudly and clearly, this will reassure does around you, when the call is not an emergency. Remember if you don't speak clearly the person at the other end won't hear you, plus does around you will remain wondering about the call. Be considerate._

_Arrive at the last minute. No sense in wasting your time waiting for the movie to start. If you encounter a long line, dismiss everyone with a swift glare and announce that you are on official business, flash your Preventer ID._

_Don't buy popcorn and drinks first, you can do that later. It will be easier to hustle in and get good seats with your hands free to push annoying people out of the way. Coming with male friends is certainly a plus here._

_Don't sit in the aisle! Everybody knows you can't watch a movie properly from the side, jeez. If there are people occupying your preferred seats. Use your friends to help. I personally send Heero in first, his glares take care of any annoying obstacles. Then I send Trowa, who won't annoy me with stupid remarks. I go in then and after me I put Quatre, who knows better than to annoy, and last of all Duo, far enough from me._

_If the movie doesn't start right away, complain loudly. Look back at the projector room and glare._

_After the movie starts… this is a good time to go buy popcorn, the line is usually gone. You will need to pass people on the isle. You either go fast and step on their toes, or go slowly and avoid possible reprisals. I go for the slow, you can never be sure when Quatre is going to snap and Duo just kicks you back. If anyone in the back row complaints, glare at them and show them your Katana or if you prefer cruder weapons, like Heero, point your gun. That makes the shut up quick, trust me._

_Only buy popcorn and soda. Do not attempt to buy anything else, it won't fit in your hands. Remember to walk even slower on your way back, you don't want to spill the food. You won't need to retrieve your weapon a second time, people aren't usually that stupid._

_Keep your eyes pealed for idiotic mistakes in the movie, such as:_

_Improper weapon management_

_Plot inconsistencies_  
_Ridiculous behavior from characters_  
_Bad special effects_  
_Woman in improbable situations, such as strong, warriors, etc. -Snort loudly at this, follow with a 'Pppleeease!'_

_Point out these mistakes loudly and clearly for the benefit and enlightenment of those around you. Believe me, they will benefit from this and develop critical thinking skills._

_If you have watched the movie before, this is the perfect time to show how considerate you are. Warn those around you of any surprise, that way they won't be at risk of heart attacks or be unduly frightened._

_By this time, you must have finished your popcorn and soda. Go back out to buy something sweet, after all that salt you need to restore your yin/yang balance. Fluids are important to your body, buy a water bottle this time. Don't forget to walk slow, if the people on the back row forget, and complain show them the Katana once again, and avoid further complaints when you get back._

_Continue enlightening those around you with your superior critique._

_After finishing your candy and water, you should be feeling the need to relieve yourself. Go ahead and stand up again, people should know that trying to hold it in until the end of movie is unhealthy to your bladder. And if they are so ignorant not to know it, tough._

_When you get back the movie will probably be getting to its last moments. Regretfully, many producers have taken the disgraceful notion that movies need sappy endings. Snort loudly and ridicule any male weak enough to fall into a woman's snare._

_16. When the movie is finally over, try to get out of the theater as soon as possible. It's okay to trample on people's feet now, they should know better and get out of your way._

_Don't waist time picking up your litter. Leave it where it is, you will help some poor fellow keep his job. If everybody threw their stuff in the garbage there wouldn't be any need for maintenance._

_I think I have covered the essentials, if you think that I have missed something please forward, and I will analyze the merits of your suggestion._

_Yours truly,_

_Chang Wufei_

x-x-x-x-x-x

Sally was practically rolling on the floor with laughter as she finished reading the article. Only Wufei. That was all there was to say to this, only Wufei.

"Woman? What are you reading that has you laughing like that?" Wufei demanded as he came into the office and placed both hands on her desk and leaned forward to try and see what she was giggling so immensely about.

"You... are too... cute!" She said setting the paper down. "I'll be sure to have my cell on me, just in case the eleventh call to go off during the movie tonight. You know, just in Une has a dire mission for us." She burst out laughing even harder at this thought. She then stood up, went around the desk, kissed him on the cheek and then left to find Une and Noin, to share in the joy of the letter to the people of the Sanc Kingdom.

Wufei just stood there, staring after her, holding his cheek with a slight smile on his face. He knew then that he would have to marry the woman.


End file.
